🌀 residuals | MMCL

I remember the first time I noticed my residual emotions. It happened with Anger. It’s not that I had never been through it before. I just didn’t have the capacity to take a step back and observe what was happening. We were having a disagreement, the type of disagreement I promised myself I would never have again. It’s funny how it always happens right after you tell yourself you’ll never repeat those patterns—and you believe yourself when you say it.

Until the moment you’re in the middle of it… when it’s too late to turn back.

emotions are like an oil spill 🫠

you know those pictures of birds after an oil spill? wings black with oil gleaming like a smooth velvet robe? it might look like velvet, but it’s the opposite in every sense. it’s a substance so smooth, yet so sticky, that it feels impossible to get rid of. wiping it away does nothing. even submerging them in water is a hopeless endeavor. the instructions say:

1. Stabilize the bird for 24-72 hours before attempting to wash it (washing too early could cause shock and death).

2. Use detergent, preferably Dawn dish soap 🦆 [NOT AN AD]

3. Using soft brushes or hands, gently scrub the affected area in soapy water for 30-60 minutes.

4. Use warm, non-soapy water repeatedly until all the residue is gone.

5. Towel-dry the bird and place it in a warm area to dry.

6. Once dry, the bird will preen its own feathers, repositioning them, removing dirt or parasites, and spreading natural oil.

that feels like a lot, doesn’t it?

my emotions are like oil spills.

have you ever been having an argument/disagreement with someone you love, whether a partner or a family member, and you feel the rage bubbling inside of you?

your voice wants to be loud, your mannerisms are getting ever more agitated with every second that passes. you feel like the only way to get your point across or find a resolution is to take something that is whole and break it.

then, out of nowhere, the person you’re arguing with says exactly what you’ve been wanting them to say.

it catches you off guard at first because you’re so angry you think they could never say that thing you wanted so badly.

then, you’re standing there, stunned

is this it?

is the argument over?

did i get what i wanted?

they said exactly what i was hoping for them to say. they are seeing it exactly how i wanted them to see it.

so why am i still angry?

why is this rage still clinging to my heart like burrs on socks?

hey,

it’s okay,

you got what you wanted,

you can chill out now and let all that shit go.

that’s what i should do—but i can’t.

i can’t because i still feel it so strongly inside of me. my body is telling me one thing while my head and my heart feel something entirely different. and i’m standing there, in a moment that could’ve tarnished a beautiful thing that i worked so hard for, but didn’t. this could’ve gone way worse than it did; it’s actually over now. and yet, i still want to get my point across. i want them to say it again. not only have they said i’m right, i need to tell them why i’m right and why they’re wrong. every single fiber of my physical being wants to tear it all down while my head is telling me if i just stop right now everything will be okay.

regardless of what my head tells me, i can’t shake the rage that’s coursing through my veins.

that should be the end of that. we should be able to move on. cry together, laugh together. get over it together ❤️‍🩹

but we don’t, because even when i’ve been told i’m right i still feeling like telling them they’re wrong.

emotions are like an oil spill.

i just hope i can get my cleaned before i do something i can never take back.