2️⃣138: Interacting With Humans — III 🛸

Slartibartfast Jr. could barely hide is contempt. Thirty-seven years hosting intra galactic travelers for the GalacAir space travel service, and this is what he was subjected to. Two months from his retirement with full benefits, and he was sent to babysit a pair of 20-something Nebulons whose idea of fun was to visit a primitive planet that had already been destroyed once to make room for a hyperspace bypass that was never built.

This version of the planet was rebuilt, again (in secret), by his father, Slartibartfast Sr. He had even won an award for his work on the first version of the planet — some bizarre looking coastline in an area that wasn’t even warm enough to go to the beach. Figures.

But, this? A highly decorated Galactic Captain assigned to General Manager duties on the least traveled route in the universe? It was adding insult to injury. He was a Magrathean! The richest planet that had ever existed! They weren’t babysitters, they were planet-makers! They built kingdoms, continents, and entire worlds out of thin air. Breathing life, beauty, and wonder into things that had never existed before. There was no species in the universe, let alone the Milky Way, that could rival what they had done.

At least, that’s what he had heard and read. His mother told him most of the stories. She met his father while attending The Longest Cocktail Party — a long and destructive party which had been occurring for at least four generations. A party which, coincidentally, finally came to a crashing conclusion shortly after Slartibartfast Sr. arrived. Slartibartfast spent most of his time walking around the party asking everyone he could about a silver bail, something about saving the universe. Who knows? The universe is still here now, so it would seem Slartibartfast saved it. But how many times had someone said the universe was going to end? If you credited every person whoever claimed to have saved it, your cells would disintegrate before you could finish counting all the names.

Slartibartfast had only been at the party briefly with two other awkward looking travelers, one who happened to be from this very planet. Most people claim he wasn’t there long enough to get Jr’s mom pregnant, but his mom once sent out a call and Slartibartfast responded. He flew in to check on them. Looked Jr. in the eyes and said, “That’s what my son would look like if I ever had one.” He presented him with a Magrathean Medal of Accomplishments, which looked eerily similar to the galactic space token children get when they visit their first new planet, and turned around to his spaceship and left — never to be seen again.

Since the Magratheans stopped making planets because no one in the universe could afford them, Jr. decided the best way to live up to his father’s legacy was to become a Galactic Captain and travel to every planet he had ever had a hand in building. He had done it. With the exception of one, Earth. Technically, it was now Earth Mk II (or III?). The mice who had commissioned it built were seeking the answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything. They had gotten an answer, but they didn’t like it. Isn’t that always how it goes? You spend millions of years looking for the perfect answer to everything, and when you finally get it — it’s not enough. It’s never about the answer you’re given, only the answer you want.

Jr. wasn’t about to get caught up in all that nonsense. His father had been told to abandon his work on Earth Mk II as it was set to be decommissioned, but he was so proud of his ‘fjords’ as he called them that he completed a separate project in secret. He set it to run just like the first one, along with the star and eight other planets that orbited it, albeit with a few minor differences. What those differences are, nobody knows. He said he changed one thing that would in turn change everything, but Jr. had never been able to discover what it was. It didn’t matter, Jr’s plan was already in motion. It was too late to turn back. The Nebulons and his captain thought they were heading to Earth Mk II, but Jr. had another idea. He had altered the coordinates to take them to his father’s secret project and experience the disastrous consequences Sr. had programmed. That’ll teach them to disrespect a 37-year galactic travel veteran.

Now, here sat Jr., millions of light years from his home. Fidgeting in a ship that hadn’t been renovated in so long, the seat cushions were evolving into living creatures themselves. But not even that could bring him joy. He just wanted to get on with the announcements and go home. Leaving Earth and all its “humans” behind for good. He never wanted to see it again. All it did was remind him of the father who never bothered to show up. Secretly, he still carried around the Magrathean Medal of Accomplishments in his pocket for good luck. His mind wandered to that fateful day his father had come to visit, and slowly he began to doze off…

“Slarty! Wake up!” Great, thought Jr., taking orders from someone older and less accomplished than me. What would the Magratheans think of me now?

“If you don’t get your ass up and make these announcements so we can teleport the Nebulons out of here and go home, we’ll miss our chance and have to orbit for 3 light-years before we can try again. Don’t mess this up like you did Betelgeuse 10, I’m still getting shit from Commander for that one.”

Fine, thought Jr., whatever you want. Let’s get this over with. Then we’ll see who gets the last laugh.

He cleared his throat, tapped on the mic, and looked over the passengers before he began his announcements. As the least traveled route in the entire universe, this solar system was quite unremarkable. Even for scientists studying the most primitive of species that have yet to discover space travel, this particular planet was rather dull, “mostly harmless” was the description offered to the rest of the universe.

There were only two passengers on this flight — a young Nebulon couple claiming to be interested in studying all the most popular sporting events across the galaxy. Something about understanding the motivation behind every species trying to compete to see who was the best at something. He wasn’t listening when they explained it during embarkation, and he didn’t care either. He just wanted to get out of there as quick as he could.

The ship’s speakers crackled on and Slartibartfast Jr. began his speech:

Welcome, noble and honorable galactic travelers. We are now in the Milky Way. This star you see at the center of it is called, Sol. A rather dull name for an unexciting celestial body (he was going off script). Your final destination is planet PMS 542 C, colloquially referred to as ‘Earth.’ Home to the human race. A group of terrestrial beings who have spent more time critiquing and destroying each other than they have in the noble pursuit of seeking knowledge and wisdom like the rest of the universe.

The Captain popped his head out of the cockpit to give him a look that said, “I know what you’re doing, just stick to the script so we can get out of here.”

The most impressive thing humans have ever accomplished is their ability to kill each other over trivial disagreements. While this may seem like a trait that puts them on par with the most renown species and planets in the universe, they are no more dangerous to us than a mouse is to a lion. You may be asking yourself what a lion and a mouse are, make sure to find out when you travel to one of their zoos. You get free entrance to the Cincinnati Zoo with your GalacAir Supernova Rewards card. Humans are peculiar creatures, claiming to be social while acting anything but. As part of the Universal Guidelines on Interacting With Primitive Species Accord, there are four key points we’d like to share with you to make sure your visit to Earth is as successful as possible.

Here is what to do when interacting with humans:

1. When a human asks you, “How are you doing?” be aware they don’t actually intend to listen to anything you’re saying. That phrase is merely used to exchange pleasantries. Give a few details, but not too many, as you may come off as rude. But don’t give too few details, since you’ll also come off as rude.

2. Don’t every ask anyone where they’re from or who they voted for.

3. Always make sure to tip at least 15%, preferably 20%.

We know there are endless options when it comes to experiencing the cosmos, on behalf of GalacAir, thank you for choosing us. If you bought a round-trip ticket, please make sure to keep your return teleportation coordinates safe. If you miss your pickup time, we do not come back for stranded travelers.

That was excruciating, Jr. thought to himself. At least it’s over with. Let’s get these kids off the ship and head home so he can finally— “Excuse me?” Jr. was startled, he did not expect to have to speak directly with the travelers again. This is turning out even worse than he could’ve ever imagined.

“Yes?”

“We just had a few questions about the last thing you said.”

“The return coordinates? Don’t miss them, or you’ll be stuck here forever. This planet hasn’t even discovered space travel. Can you believe it? What a sorry lot.”

“Yes, thank you. We have them safe. But that’s not what we’re asking about. It was about the interacting with humans part.”

“….yes?”

The male-appearing Nebulon looked flustered. How did this sorry excuse for a creature even make it this far in the galaxy? With all the stories you hear about intra galactic travelers dying on planets in the silliest of circumstances, this one should’ve been stardust ages ago. And his partner, the female-appearing Nebulon, was also much more attractive than him. How did they end up together? It was questions like these that always intrigued Jr., but he’d probably never get the answers he was looking for.

“Sir? Yes, the part about tipping. What exactly does that mean? 15%? 20%? Do you mean giving advice? How does one give advice in percentages?”

“That’s not what it means. It means that when you pay for a service, such as a server who brings your food, you’ll receive a check to pay for the food.”

“Yes, like everywhere else in the universe.”

“Yes, but on this planet, they also want you to pay extra on top of the food.”

“Extra? For what?”

“For the service.”

“I’m not following….”

Jr. was starting to get annoyed, “These humans always want more. They provide the best service to receive extra payment afterwards. It’s a highly debated custom across the planet, but the country you’ll be exploring is adamant about it. I’d recommend just doing whatever they ask. It’s best to avoid getting in an argument with this species. They purposefully misunderstand everything you say.”

“I see. So, the money we are told something costs, is not actually what that thing costs? We have to pay something extra? But we’re not told what it is? And we have to determine what it is based on the quality of the service?”

“Exactly, but even if you get bad service, you have to pay as if it were good service.”

“I don’t under—”

“Listen, kid, nobody does. They don’t even understand it themselves. Like I said, it’s a primitive species. Just obey the rules and you’ll be fine.”

“If you insist. Honey! It’s time to go!”

“Why are you travelling all this way to this decrepit planet for anyway?”

As a bright smile lit up the Nebulon’s face, Jr. immediately realized he had made a mistake in asking.

“SOCCER! Or, as they call it in most places around the planet, fútbol! Not to be confused with ‘football.’ In this region of the planet, they call the world’s most popular sport something different from the rest of the planet. And what everyone else calls it, they use that name for a different sport. It’s terribly confusing, but somehow they ended up hosting the most popular tournament on the entire planet. Even though they can’t agree on what to call the sport! They don’t even like the sport in this region! Humans are fascinating!”

“Like I said, a primitive species, can’t even agree on what to call something. My retirement can’t come soon enough.”

“You should really come down with us, it’ll be a great adventure!”

“Listen, take your partner and step into the teleportation platform now. I am not going to have you missing your stop and taking another three light-years from my life. I have a retirement to attend.”

The male-appearing Nebulon nodded, grabbed their partner’s hand, and stepped through onto the platform. No matter how many times Jr. told them they needed to stay within the platform circle, they kept fidgeting in and out of the boundary. The drop was quickly approaching, and they were running out of time. He stepped out of the control booth and on to the platform.

“Inside the-” Jr. was cut off by the female appearing Nebulon.

“What’s the fourth point?”

“What?” Jr. was confused now on top of being annoyed.

“You mentioned there were four key points for interacting with humans, but you only told us three of them. What’s the fourth key point?”

Why were they making this harder than it had to be? “You need to stand INSIDE THE CIRCLE!” He bellowed at the travellers, but they were too busy being excited to notice. Jr.’s instructions only seemed to make it worse as the male-appearing Nebulon took his proximity as an opportunity to start talking again, “You really should come with us! It’s going to be magnificent. The 2026 World Cup! The entire planet gathered to compete to be the champion! It only happens once every four years! And then you can tell us the fourth key point!” Jr. was about to lose his cool. Eighty hours of silent space travel, and now they decided to strike up a conversation?

“I’m not going, and you won’t be either unless you step INSIDE the circle. Like this.”

Jr. stepped inside the circle and pulled both of them in tight with him.

“Do you see now? The only way to be teleported is to be inside this circle. You must’ve done this countless times before, what’s so hard now?” They both nodded at him in understanding.

Finally, Jr. thought to himself. Let’s get this over with. As he turned back towards the control panel, he noticed the Captain standing behind the glass, next to the teleportation controls.

Jr. never did figure out what the Captain was trying to say to him, but historical records provided by GalacAir surveillance have confirmed that the last thing the Captain said to Jr. before sending him and the two Nebulon travellers down to Earth Mk II (or III?) without any plans of coming back to pick them up was, “Sorry about this Slarty. I really didn’t want to do it. But I had no other choice. The bosses said this was the only way to get rid of you. There was no retirement. It was all a hoax. Please forgive me. I’ll take care of your best suits, especially the one you really like. I always figured it would look better on me. I’ll be keeping your cat as well, always felt he liked me better. It’s not personal, just business. And whatever you do, stay out of Texas.”

Jr. opened his mouth to scream, but he was too late, the overwhelming emptiness of space swallowed any sound he attempted to make. Before he knew it, the GalacAir spaceship had turned into a small spec of light among the stars, and he was barrelling down towards Earth Mk III, destined to land in some place called “Kansas.”