You think I have enough time in a day to sit under a tree and wait for an apple to fall on my head?

Do YOU? 😀

When was the last time you sat out in nature and looked over the horizon admiring the beauty of this planet we’re stuck on lucky enough to call home?

While you were admiring that nature (and I hope you were), were you also waiting for a text? That’s always a great moment. Unless it’s a bad text or a text you don’t want to respond to (two different things). Even worse, if you weren’t waiting for a text at all and you happen to get a text that took you out of the whole enjoying-the-planet feeling and then it’s a text that ruins your day 🥴

What if while I was sitting under the apple tree, I got a text that made me turn my head and look down to get my phone out of my pocket, and an apple fell at that exact moment, but because I moved my head, it misses my head thus I never had the sudden realization that gravity was a thing and missed out on making one of the most important discoveries of all time 💔

So I missed out on making one of the most important discoveries ever because my bank sent me an automated text telling me I was Broke. Now someone somewhere in 🇺🇸 in some town you’ve never heard of and don’t even know exists (yet somehow has a population of more than 200,000 people) is screenshotting the screenshot I put in this email with the automated text and replying to that tweet about “what’s the brokest thing a man ever did around you?” with a link to my email so people can go laugh at my screenshot and now I have half of Black Twitter™️ roasting my ass but I can’t even see it because my feed is littered with right-wing talking heads popping champagne over the Super Marios Bros movie doing well in the box office and they’re jumping for joy because the two main characters are white (even though they’re not white, they’re #Italian🇮🇹).

A few weekends ago, it took me four hours to run two errands. I had to return a package to UPS, but there was no parking. So I circled the block four times. Nothing opened up. Finally, I parked about five blocks away and walked.

This past weekend I tried to go to an event at Miami Beach and spent 90 minutes driving around to find parking. Eventually, I gave up and went home.

With all that time I wasted, I could’ve been sitting under a tree with the faint hopes of having a sudden epiphany that led me to a discovery that would’ve changed the course of human history as we know it 🤯 

But, alas, I had to go to UPS because I had to return this blanket that wasn’t the right color, and I could’ve kept it, but I shouldn’t have even bought it in the first place, so that was my penance to myself (you should see the automated texts I get from my checking account).

If Isaac Newton had Instagram, Twitter, or Tumblr in 1666, I have very little confidence he would’ve realized gravity was a thing. We’d all still be floating around our rooms right now because we wouldn’t know we’re actually supposed to have our feet on the ground because this rock is so big yada yada yada something about mass and attraction.

I didn’t say TikTok because this man’s head would’ve exploded if he had TikTok.

I have a friend who doesn’t have Instagram and thinks he’s better than us because of that, but he still uses TikTok. Well, I don’t have use TikTok.

Who’s better now??

One hundred years later (1776, for whoever’s keeping track), these dudes were equally horny. It wasn’t enough to get married. You also had to have a mistress, and it was usually your wife’s sister or something like that. And even when you had a mistress, you still got on a fucking wooden boat and spent months on a dangerous maritime journey headed to Europe because they had the good brothels over there (don’t worry, everyone smelled equally bad).

And it’s not like these women were dressed like someone you see walking down the street in…Miami 🌴

If the “Founding Fathers” had access to Instagram’s Explore Page, people would probably be on Twitter talking about delicious toast and beans for breakfast instead of discussing who they’d pick as their fighter in the Waffle House Hunger Games.

You could say life is a little hectic right now. We hold ourselves to crazy productivity standards because we’ve been bludgeoned with the idea that it’s the only way to be financially successful. And financial success is the only true success in life. And if you’re not doing well, hustle harder because the technology is out there. But even when technology helps us save time, we don’t fill that time with other beautiful, passionate pursuits. No, we’re just looking for ways to do more business, make more money, and find more things we can sell to other people or create roadblocks to make them pay for things that used to be free.

That’s why I’m here to tell you:

Fuck It ☃️

Stop worrying about that shit.

Stop reading all these stupid fucking #EntrentrepreneurialMindset #Grindset #NobodyCaresWorkHarder quotes that convince you no matter how you’re feeling, you’re not doing enough. Sometimes you need a break. Sometimes it’s okay if things don’t seem like they’re advancing as quickly as you want. The thing is, nothing ever moves as fast as you want it to. Don’t get caught up in the hype of these outlier companies and individuals who blew up overnight (even though it was never really overnight).

And don’t think that just because someone has more views, engagement, and followers or makes more money by posting YouTube videos, they’re somehow wiser, more talented, or smarter than you.

And don’t think I’m only hating on Mr. Beast.

If you want a glimpse into how my mind works (or doesn’t), all this typing started because I thought “Mother Theresa Was Stat Padding” sounded pretty funny, and I wanted to expand on that idea.

And now we’re here [without really knowing where Here is]

If you’re wondering where all the emails have been. I just haven’t had a lot of time to sit around under a tree waiting for an apple to fall. Actually, I have time to sit under a tree, but by the time I finally get that time, it’s like 8pm, and my brain is dusted. If an apple fell on my head, it would probably wake me from slumber and remind me I need to finish loading the dishwasher before going to sleep. Because even with the time saved not having to wash dishes, I’m still counting minutes and seconds in everything else I do (the night I wrote this, I forgot to load the dishwasher).

And since so many things are distracting us from reality-shattering discoveries, it means a lot to me you’d take from your precious minutes of distraction and devote them to reading my words.

On that note, I ain’t dead yet. 2UESDAY is here for the long run. There’s a logo coming (you’ve been working on the logo, right? are you reading this? text me back?), and there are even some stickers coming (you’ve been working on the stickers, right? are you reading this? text me back?), and there are more emails coming (you’ve been working on the emails….right, david not david?) 🫣

I have been writing (usually before 8pm). Which means emails are coming. And they’ll be different from the emails I’ve sent before, but also exactly like the emails I’ve sent before.

Why fuck with a good thing?

That’s why I’m excited to tell you soon there will even be an opportunity for you to give me money if you think my writing is so good that you think my time spent on this planet would be better served writing beautiful stories and ideas and musing on life instead of creating clickbait content pieces meant to convince people buy some shit they never really needed until some dude who worked in software who was already a millionaire decided he wanted to make more money and invented another software that fixed a problem in the software he had already created thus solving a problem that was really of his own creation that was never even a problem in the first place and wouldn’t have been a problem if we were all just frolicking in some meadows (there it is) instead of cold emailing the same person 28 times in 7 days with an amazing opportunity to beat the stock market but you need to act fast because this offer expires in the next 25.64 hours 📉 (btw it wasn’t Frankenstein it was Frankenstein’s Monster, Frankenstein was the doctor, people always forget that for some reason).

PS

don’t say I never did nothin for ya