2️⃣077: DGAF Threshold 🖕

🪦 Contrary to popular belief, we’re not born with all the fucks we’ll ever give (or not give) in our lives. Fucks come and go more than is possible for our silly little human brains to comprehend. If you were to line up the number of fucks that come and go in the average lifetime, you could make a line that goes to the sun and back, twice! That’s how many fucks you have in you (or not, remember, you can give a fuck, but you can also not give a fuck, it’s a delicate balance between the two, some would even call it a subtle art, a dangerously elegant weapon when employed by a cunning linguist).

Fuck it, everyone’s thinking it, so I’ll ask : How did I come up with an estimated number of fucks people have in their lives?

Did I determine a certain length for a fuck to then call out a fuck amount and decide whether the size of a lifetime of accumulated fucks would actually be enough to make a line so fucking long that it goes ~93 million miles, twice? To be frank, I do not give enough of a fuck to actually do any of that, so I didn’t. (If you really want to get into it, it all depends on how big you think a fuck is. It’s safe to say most people would have a different answer if asked what size they picture when they’re asked to picture the size of a fuck. Because fucks are different in all our lives, even though all of our lives certainly have fucks.)

🤑 It’s not frequently discussed, but fucks are immune to inflation. A fuck today is still worth the same as a fuck was worth in 1922. Which is absolutely nothing. Unless you fuck around, in which case it won’t be very long until you find out ⌛️

📈 While fucks are immune to inflation, the cost of finding out has increased exponentially over the past 10 years.

That being said, contrary to a pop-science video that has made the rounds, fucking around is immune to inflation, but the price of finding out is not inelastic. It’s actually quite elastic. No matter the demand of fucking around (or the quantity available), finding out tends to be served at a premium. Still, you can fuck around the same amount with different people and find out to varying degrees (this is for people as opposed to animals because the threshold of fucking around with an animal needed to find out eventually is much, much lower than that of a human, and the price tends to be much higher).

That’s why one must always be wary of fucking around before one has had an opportunity to conduct the proper research on the potential cost of finding out. When this is the case, people tend to find out very quickly and at a very high cost (with little fucking around to be had). Fair warning, the price of finding out continues to rise as the average human grows tired of others fucking around. Instead, electing to let anyone in their vicinity quickly find out just how many fucks they don’t give.

🧾 Watch out for insurance companies. They’re notorious for letting customers find out even though that very same customer did no fucking around to speak of.

They’re the ones who put a deductible on fucks! Can you believe it? All because some oil companies fucked around in the 80s and 90s and buried data about the harmful effects of burning fossil fuels on the planet because they didn’t give a fuck about the planet or its people (but they really fucking cared about their bottom line). Decades later, a realtor who gives no fucks about you sells you a home in a flood zone and tells you to relax and stop giving so many fucks because the insurance company has you covered. Then your shit floods, and the insurance company says they don’t give a fuck about helping you because you aren’t fucked enough. Who died and made them kings of deciding who’s gotten fucked enough? Actually, that should be the new official definition of a deductible. Someone text Urban Dictionary (send a postcard to Oxford if you can’t get Urban, but I really would prefer the Urban).

💝 So, if you’re fucked, but not fucked enough based on their standards of fuckedness, they’ll be like, “Sorry, we know you’re fucked, but we can’t help you until you get a bit more fucked. Maybe you should run the red light at 100 instead of 80 next time (pussy). Until you’re that fucked, we have no fucks left to give you. Have a nice day, and please leave a review!”

If you ask my mom, she says no fucks should be given. But not in the sense that you’re thinking. She just wouldn’t want me to write so many fucks in my emails (preferably, not a single one).

You’re smart and creative enough that you don’t need to write ugly words to get your ideas across.

Pero mami, the entire email is about the word fuck and giving a fuck and getting fucked. How am I going to write that without saying the word fuck?

Write about something else.

Fuck…..

She’ll read this entire thing, but I know the 77 total fucks included in this email won’t be easy to swallow. Luckily, she gives such a fuck about me that she’ll go through with it. Love you, Madre, and, I’m sorry.

💎 There is no extended warranty or 30-day guaranteed money-back policy for giving a fuck because fucks are such a delicate thing to give. A fuck is the most precious thing we could ever give to someone. Think about a time when you were really down, you needed someone to be there for you, maybe you reached out, or maybe they reached out to you on their own, wasn’t it amazing to realize there was someone out there who gave a fuck about you when you needed to be given a fuck about?

A lot of the time, we think people don’t give a fuck because we believe they should show the fucks they give how we think fucks given should be displayed. But that’s not how life works. Everyone gives fucks differently. The sooner you realize you can’t determine how someone gives a fuck about you, and you can only control how you show your fucks given while expecting no fucks in return—the faster you’ll start living a happier life where fucks given come and go like the wind with no expectations. 

🙏🏽 If you ask me, we should all stop not giving a fuck and start giving more fucks. There are so many more fucks left for us to give! But the people who have the most power and the ability to actually make things better don’t give a fuck about you or me! They’re too worried giving a fuck about themselves and their families. They feel like they can't give a fuck about others unless they give a fuck about themselves first, and that's true to a degree. Eventually, the threshold of not giving a fuck about others should disappear when you give so much of a fuck about yourself that you now have spare fucks to give to others who need them. 

Listen, I don’t know how many fucks about length you give at this point if you’re still reading this email, but I sincerely appreciate that you do (give a fuck). I know this is a lot to digest since fucks given and not given are so abundant in our lives and the cost of finding out from fucking around shows no signs of ever going down. But if you leave with anything at all, let it be this: Please give more of a fuck about the people around you and the impact your decisions have on others (even when you think they don’t). 

That last sentence didn’t really feel like a proper final line. It wasn’t as impactful reading it as it felt in my head before writing it. But I don’t give enough of a fuck to spend time here working something else out because I’ve written enough fucking explanations for you already. 

See you next week 🖕

PS

Is there something you think we should give more or less of a fuck about? Or maybe there was a time you fucked around so much you found out in the most expensive way? I’d love to hear about it.