2️⃣067: Numbers Never Lie '21-'22 📊

It's 2UESDAY!!! And we back, and we back, and we back, and we back…

Some of you were surprised by yesterday's email that came a day early. Let me just say, yada yada yada, you're welcome 😘

Before we embark on a new season of 2UESDAY, I wanted to look back at the path that got us here. Specifically, what the numbers have to say about 2UESDAY Year 1. Nowadays, everyone loves data. I even had someone once tell me:

And that, my friends, is how you land millions of dollars in investments 🤑

The first ever 2UESDAY email was sent on June 16, 2021 at 5:16pm, and the last email of Season 1 was sent on July 19, 2022 at 8:17am. That’s 56 weeks, 397 days, 9543 hours, 572,581 minutes, and 34,354,860 seconds between the first and last email of Season 1. During that time, I sent a total of 65 emails. Some weeks there was more than one email either because I wrote too much and had to break it up into two parts so you'd actually read, or because I had more than one idea I wanted to share (it happens, a lot).

When it comes to performance, those 65 emails racked up a total of 17,119 views, averaging 259.37 views per email, with a total of 93 "Likes." We started with 47 subscribers receiving email 2000 and ended with 239 subscribers receiving email 2065. At the launch of SEASON2, 300 subscribers received email 2066. Over 56 weeks, we gained 192 subscribers while sending out weekly emails, and then another 61 subscribers while on sabbatical. The emails were opened (aka you clicked on the email in your mail or app or browser) a total of 14,511 times, for an average of 219.86 opens per email. Email 2001, was opened 81 times, while email 2065 was opened 283 times. But the most opened email was 2059: We F*cking Dudes Out Here, with a total of 395 opens. This was also the highest-viewed email, with a total of 560 views. While the least viewed email (when we don't consider the first few weeks that people didn't know about us) was 2019: do bad guys want to be creepy? with 182 total views.

You can take from that what you want, but those numbers say to me that we are most definitely fucking dudes out here and that bad guys are so creepy they're scared of opening emails just like they're scared of opening up the shades and letting some light into their living room.

When it comes to writing, I write a lot (you know this). Not counting email subject lines or subheaders (that's the preview text you see in the inbox before opening the actual email), I wrote a total of 82,503 words across 66 emails, for an average of 1250.05 words per email. The longest email, 2012: everybodydoesit, came in at 2555 words with an open rate of 41% (our lowest open rate for the year). The shortest email (not counting the first two where I didn't really say anything or the one where I couldn't think of anything to write, so I put links to other emails) came in at 177 words (2032: david is dead) with a 54% open rate (almost perfectly average). It turns out I have a lot to say about supporting sex workers (this is a pro-SW podcast), but I can be very succinct when announcing my own (future) death.

Many readers seem to notice the number of times I apologize to my mom for something I may have said (mom, seriously, I'm sorry for whatever may happen this season). Surprisingly, I only apologized to my mom 2 times across all of the emails (might need a recount on that one). And I apologized mainly for my language.

From 82,503 total words, I said some variation of "Fuck” 277 times, "Shit" 245 times, and "Bitch” only 2.5 times (.5 because one of those times it was censored like b*tch). So, mom, I know you'd prefer I don't say any curse words at all, but using "fuck” at a rate of 2% across all the words I use is pretty good if you ask me! For those wondering, that comes out to 3.43 "fucks” per email. There were 13 emails where no fucks were written, and 4 emails where there were 10 or more "fucks," with a peak of 16 fucks in one email (I'll let you find that for yourselves). If you're wondering why I don't say "bitch," it's probably because the word has lost its luster. It was funny when we were watching Chappelle Show in the 2000s and when you want to say someone's "being a bitch." But, with the Hip-Hop scene relying too much on using "bitch” in place of "woman," I told myself a few years ago that when I become a famous rapper, I will always say "chick" instead. I think it's helping my lexicon so far.

A total of 161 tweets (linked or screenshotted) were included across all emails

With 13 different music links

My parents were mentioned a total of 13 times (feels low, I know). But 2 total emails were dedicated to my mom, so, ha! How many emails has someone dedicated to you?

We included a total of 214 pictures/memes, 27 GIFS (also feels low), 4 links to YouTube videos, and 46 hyperlinks.

We also had 3 Drake references, 1 BROCKHAMPTON reference, and mentioned "being a fucking weirdo" for doing something 2 times. Although these numbers are incomplete because I gave up looking for that stuff after the first 15 emails because it takes a while to collect all this data.

Across all of these words, I used a total of 765 emojis. That's 362 unique emojis in the email body used 587 times, and 125 unique emojis in the email subject line + pre-header used 178 times. I know you're thinking about it, so here it is. Every single emoji shared in Season 1:

📆 🇵🇷 🇵🇹 🇭🇷 🇨🇿 🇩🇰 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 ❌ 🤥 🎶 🍽 🏠 🪴 📲 🪄 ✨ 🧙 📶 🅿️ 🐼 💨 🦠 🧼 🧘 💙 ✈️ 🇵🇷 🎾 🥇 🎩 👨🏽‍💻 💦 🙊 🗡 🌅 🎬 ☝🏽 🍺 🍷 🤗 😈 📸 😏 🫦 🤨 🪟 🥀 🫶🏽 ❓ ⁉️ ⚽️ 🎢 🎏 🌹 🌹 🌹 🤫 🤔 ✌🏽 🚫 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 🖕🖕🏻🖕🏼🖕🏽🖕🏾🖕🏿 🍌 🤷 💌 📝 🎄 ⚡️ 🗣 😬 🗣 👎🏽 🥳 🎉 ✊🏽 🤓 🤓 ☺️ ✨ 🅿️ 👅 📄 ❤️ 🫣 🅱️ 🥓 ✍🏽 📴 🌈 ❤️‍🔥 🎁 🎂 🙁 👑 🧐 🧑‍🚀 🤔 🔭 🙂 🥒 ❤️‍🩹 🌾 😀 🖼 🍝 🌎 💡 🗺 🏝 2️⃣ 🤜🏻 ✋🏻 💔 👨🏽‍🏫 👩🏽‍🏫 🫥 👐 🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍⚧️ 🥹 😣 🤷🏽‍♂️ ⚰️ ⚰️ 📰 👀 🎨 ⛵️ 🇵🇷 🏚 😩 😩 🥴 😕 🚀 ✌🏽 🤥 🫶🏽 💌 🍸 💰 🤹 🗝 🧟 🥶 📜 🥒 🪄 ✨ 🗓😣 🇵🇷 😭 😭 😭 🥰 🥴 🇨🇴 💛 😭 🚗 💨 😭 🤷🏽‍♂️ 🥵 🇵🇷 🥇 🎾 🧙🏻 😏 🧙🏻 🧝🏻‍♀️ 🥺 🥰 😍 💖 🤠 💖 🥴 🙊 😧 😬 😘 🚗 🤠 🤠 🌹 ⭕️ 👀 🥶 😏 🛀 💦 🌇 🌎💰 🍯 😔 💔 🔴 😵‍💫 🏊🏽‍♂️ 🙄 🎣 📝 💃🏿🕺🏿 🌷 🌸 😝 🎄 🧁 🚌 🧻 ✨ 🏚 🌿 👋 🎽 📺 📲 🥤 🚦 🤭 🏆 😎 🎳 😎 ☃️ 📝 🤠 🧘🏽‍♂️ 💖 💎 🧠 ⚽️ 🏡 🤠 😘 🧱 🖤 💜 💜 🤍 💛 🎄 😕 😬 🔒 😇 😈🔬 😌🧖🐣 🏋️🥵💪 🚀😶‍🌫️👻 💃🏾⛪️🏊🏽‍♂️ 🩰☺️🥳 🥰🙏😊 🌻👶🌟 🧘🏽‍♂️🤠🧘🏽‍♂️ 🙃😵‍💫🙂 😎🔮 🤸 ⚽️ 😈🐰 🤷🏽‍♂️ 😀 🤠 😫 🤮 😎❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎❤️‍🔥❤️‍🩹❣️💕💞💓💗💖💘💝 🙈 🥺 😈 🤠 🥳 🤠 💩 😋 😎 🙂 😅 😇😜 😏 😌 🥰 😊 😀 🙃 😙 😃 🥲 🥳 🤑 😬 😙 😛 🤠 😉 😘 ☀️ ☀️ 🔥 🌟 🌍 🌏 🌎 🖤 🧘🏽‍♂️ 😭😭😭 🤓 🙅‍♀️ ✊🏽 🤠 🤦🏽‍♂️ 🤦🏼 🤦🏿‍♀️ 🤤 🤿 🤢 🍟 💨 👻 😈 🌈 ✨ 💥 🤜🏿 🤛🏼 🧣 ☀️ ✋🏽 🤨 📉 😈 🐰 😔 😬 🤢 ☃️ 😒 💩 🌊 🚬 ⛳️ 😭 🧣 🤨 💦 😋 💝 💦 🌵 🧣 🌽 😕 🥰 🧘🏽‍♂️👏🏽 👏🏽 👏🏽 😅 🤓 😇 🙂 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🇵🇷 😬 😕 🤑 🤭 🥴 🙅 🪰 🧘🏽‍♂️ 😇 📲 🔋 🎨 📈 🙇 👏 🤜🤛 🤜🏻✋🏻 😘 🧓 🛗 😅 👋 😀 🥴 ✌️ 🥖 😕🤷🏽‍♂️😔 🍰🥰☀️💛 ⛅️ ⛈ 🌕 ❤️‍🩹 💖 🙂 💊 👩🏻‍💻 🐉 😑 🙃 🫠 🫥 🥹 🥺 🥹 😎 🥺 🥹 🫶🏽 🫶🏽 🫶🏽 🫶🏽 😀 😃 😄 😁 🚨 🧐 🤨 🤗 😭 😁🚨 🫣 😮‍💨 🫵🏽 😕 🤠 🤓 🫦 🙇🏿‍♀️🙇🏽‍♂️🙇🏼 🥺 🥺 🥺🫃🏼😘🧏🏼‍♂️🧏🏾🧏🏿‍♀️🧏‍♀️ 🦻🕴🏼✨🧞‍♂️ 🤴🏿🙍🏽‍♂️ 🙎‍♂️🥺🪸🌚🌝 🥰 🫑🥞🦪🫗🏜🌄🌅 🌆 🌇 😒🧿🪆📯🫠🥹🚾 🆖 🔣 🔢 🔡🔠 🈁😛 ⚧🏳️‍⚧️🫶🏽 🇵🇸 ☹️ 🫠 2️⃣ 😣 ❤️‍🩹 🎨 💯 🫤 🥰 😡 🤠 2️⃣ ❤️‍🔥 🔚 😒 🫶🏽 😈 💖 🇺🇸 🚗 🤝 🪵 🥃 🕯🙉 😏 🏃 ❤️‍🩹 🩼🤕🤠 💦 💀💀💀 🏢 🚗 🫶🏽🎂🎉 ⛱ 🙏🏽 🫶🏽

It's a beautiful thing, isn't it?

We had 2 instances of what I will now be referring to as "Alphabetical Slaughter" where I craft an email around a single letter of the alphabet. Season 1 saw us focus on the letters "P" and "B." In the first email, 2006: Burdened with glorious P-, we discussed 33 topics with the letter "P" (we mentioned OPP, PCP, Piña Coladas, Pangea because #WeUsedToBeAProperCountry, and, yes, even white People), and had the letter itself appear 330 times across the email. In email 2038: Pushin B, there were 21 "B" topics discussed, 415 B's were used across the entire email, and the first paragraph had a total of 252 words, with 152 of them starting with the letter B. That's a paragraph where 60% of the words began with the letter B. You might think that sounds easy, but it's not. So here's the paragraph for you to enjoy:

BRUH, I been in bed buying time bit by bit, but bad breaks be bashing boundaries bringing back bad times and the opposite of best memories. Bienestar burrows beseeching bring back best times because bedtimes boast big lies but "bright minds" be preaching better days and beckoning bodies but best believe brain trusts breathe de los mas bien letting most people be buried. Babies bellowing bemoaning in bed, breaking biological birthers beauty rest because that's what babies do. Backshots on Belcalis bring boys to the yard like--buen partido. Brickell banks build behemoth buildings breaking budgets, busting balls, borrowers, barcodes, big shots and bloody noses bright and early before breaking ice and boasting price (of shares). But big bad Bills like Buffalo can be broken, bent, beat down bright and early or late at night when it's black like the abyss. Big bang brought breath, believers, burning bushes and big ass waves only brazy bros be boogie boarding. But blockchain bros believe big bad banana eaters benefit broke boys even though they have no money to spend in the first place (bust). Been waiting, Ben Wallace, been blocking but I bring big bucks ball out like LaMelo (Ball). Bougie bitches been bragging bout bracelets bought by bragadocious boys buying big ass chains from Ben Baller best behave before I beat down busy bee babies bumpin Bun B backing up beat up and broke down Buicks (that ain't a Bentley it's a Chrysler). My blog business is booming (don't call it a blog).

(Also, the cover photo for that email is one of the best B's in the history of the entire planet, Benito aka Bad Bunny).

I'm currently at 1547 words, are the numbers people satisfied yet????

Don't care, let's get into some other conclusions we reached before wrapping up:

We wrote 1 entire piece inspired by Kanye, and I hope we never have to do that again (who am I kidding? look out for my book of essays dropping sometime in the next 5 years called "the ye variable" about a bunch of different random topics I enjoy).

We determined the perfect amount of drunk lasts 10-18 minutes (30 minutes max if you're lucky). That's not the amount of time after you've begun drinking that you feel the perfect amount of drunk, but the amount of time that we, as humans, allow that perfect buzz to last. Because as soon as we feel it, we start feeling ourselves and decide to have another drink because we feel fucking good, and that is...when we get Drunk.

We listed 33 things I decided I'm WAY2SEXY4, and 1 of them was "doing my own research."

With that said, we also posted 1 screenshot of a Nicki Minaj tweet where she talks about her cousin from Trinidad's friend's testicles. Here it is for those of you not as on the internet as me:

We had ONE EMAIL WITHOUT A SINGLE CURSE WORD. MAMI DID YOU READ THAT?!?!?! Claro, tenía que ser el email con el título inspirado por los comerciales de la radio que escuchábamos de camino a la escuela.

Forget about the fishes of color…

2 times we decided that it would be better for everyone in the world if, instead of blurting out our hot take on whatever the latest news story is, we just took a second to shut the f*ck up.

I listed 39 things I'm thankful for

Provided 29 pieces of advice (but actually 30)

Wrote 1 letter to myself and 1 letter to anyone who needed it

We wrote 4 "Essay Poems," which are my favorite type of email to write. And also the one people seem to resonate with the most because apparently everyone is really sad and looking for love on the inside and also kinda insecure, but no one wants to talk about it out loud, but they're thankful when other people talk about it.

I wrote 1 email in stream-of-consciousness format, with 2063 words, 133 slashes, and only 5 sentences ending with a period.

We listed 63 people I don't trust. Taylor Swift got the crown with 3 mentions (being first, last, and last). With recent events, we've (verbally) updated this list to include Kanye West as the #1 person I don't trust (bumped up from #13), overtaking his arch-nemesis. Not that we trust Taylor anymore than we did before.

We also trust 23 people!

In the Emoji Dictionary emails, we broke down the meaning of a total of 50 emojis, most of which were horny 🙂 (that one is not horny).

In case you're not on Twitter, we let you know that Nancy Reagan is the GOAT of the THROATS. That has nothing to do with numbers, but I think it's funny and wanted to remind you (#FuckRonald).

I explained, in detail, THREE instances in my life in which I think I shouldn't be alive after (or at least able to walk on both legs). THREE weeks after writing that email, I was sitting at the table having breakfast with my mom and asked, "What did you think of my faces of death email?" She looked at me like 😑 and said, "Don't you ever make me read something like that again." (sorry mom - that's 1 apology in Season2 for those keeping score).

We discussed (at length) how things would be different for the Magical Community if Harry Potter simply sent a text like, "Yo, Voldemort's back. Seriously, I just saw him. Here's a pic. Spread the word." And we came to the conclusion that despite what anyone may say, Hogwarts is one of the least safe places ever.

We listed Diddy's many different names and even made a Ben Stiller reference.

We talked about the Westboro Baptist Church and called fred phelps a punk (lowercase P, bitch).

We support protests and understand that "Police Permitted Peaceful Protests" are a crock of shit. A police-sanctioned protest is a parade, and that ain't changing anything.

We published 3 chapters of the "Home" series and had a total of 5 emails about Puerto Rico. Including how I almost got fired from a job once for watching Monica Puig win the gold medal while I was on the clock.

I killed myself once, but celebrated my life immediately after. Wrote an entire speech for my will at my funeral. And I even made accompanying playlists for each occasion (the celebration of death & the celebration of life).

We discussed the beef between Elmo & Rocco, and I gave you 16 tweets to illustrate exactly what went down on the street of Sesame 🍪

We said "Fuck Christopher Columbus," and soon after that, "Fuck Juan Ponce de León."

On 2 different emails, we declared that humans are meant to be frolicking in open fields. FROLICKING, I SAY! 🤗

For the men out there, we provided 22 pieces of advice to follow when using Instagram to survive in this world and not piss every woman off. Then we added 3 different strategies for how you could approach your online behavior. Take the advice (although it won't help because you're going to piss them off anyway, so just do you).

And with all of that, we're still just getting started.

See you again 7 days from now 💌

PS

For anyone wondering, prior to this Postscript, this email contained 2491 words. Making it the fifth-longest 2UESDAY email ever written....so, strap in. It's going to be a hell of a season 🤠😈