2️⃣037: Gentleman's Guide to Instagram ❤️

Social media has changed our lives. Sometimes for the better, and many times for the worse. And while people complain about spending all day looking at your pictures and claiming they don't care about your stories, they still spend all day looking at your pictures and tapping through your stories. It's the wild wild west out there in the comments section, and any dude with an active presence is just two taps away from liking the wrong picture and having their entire existence obliterated 🫰(for the record, that’s an emoji of a hand snapping two fingers snapping, not an empanadilla).

I've been around the social media block a few times, and I've learned a thing or two. While deep down I know that I barely know anything, here are a few things I've learned to help you make better decisions online:

1. Fellas, you can't like any girl's picture. Straight up, just don't do that. If you do, you're a creep. Only like your girlfriend's pictures. If you don't have a girlfriend, you should've tried harder to get one so you can like her pictures without being a creep.

2. Okay, you can like other girls' pictures, but not too many.

3. Maybe you can like their pictures if it's a family member or a very close friend. That's okay.

4. Or, if their social media presence is big enough that lots of different people like her pictures, you can like her pictures and get lost in the crowd.

5. If you follow a hot girl who doesn't have a big following, and you like her pictures, only like every 5th picture, so people don't see your name popping up every time in the likes. That way, they won't think you're a creep. Even if her pictures come across your screen, and you actually like them, don't like them. Do you think Instagram was made for people to post pictures and other people to like said pictures? Oh, my sweet summer child, you have so much to learn. Of course, you should support girls posting sexy photos and feeling confident in themselves, but support them quietly, from the shadows. I don't want to see you out there supporting girls by liking their pictures. That's fucked up.

6. Why do you follow this person but haven't liked any of their pictures? Are you a creep? A silent stalker? That's weird. You should like more pictures.

7. Why did you just follow someone and like 20 of their pictures? Are you a fucking weirdo? Do you actually enjoy the content they made? Don't you know you can only go as far back as the current month if you're liking multiple pictures in a row of someone you just started following?

8. If you're not going to like multiple pics in a row but want to like something, pick one picture that's different from the others and is more than three months old. This way, you let her know you went through and saw everything and appreciated this specific one. But you didn't like a bunch in a row because you're not a creep. Bonus points if it’s not one of her sexy ones. But then you also risk her knowing exactly what you’re doing. Shooters gotta shoot, though.

9. Don't follow anyone you've never met in real life if they're not famous or an influencer. If you do, you're a creep!

10. If you have a girlfriend, you need to go through the people you're following and unfollow every girl who doesn't look like her. You should only be following girls who look almost identical to the girl you're with. Why would you like pictures of people that don't look like the person you're with? Are you not satisfied with them? Do you want someone who looks different? That's sus 🧐

11. If you're an influencer or even a niche-micro-internet-celebrity, you can still like girls' pictures even if you have a girlfriend. This is actually one of the main benefits of being an influencer or a niche-micro-internet-celebrity. Once people like something you stand for and are cool with you, you can basically get away with almost anything (just don't go to a sacred Japanese forest and film videos of dead bodies and post them on YouTube). If you're semi-famous and have a girlfriend, and you're still out here liking pictures where girls are half-naked, that's totally cool. You're just a regular person supporting others. You can do no wrong.

12. Every other dude who isn't famous and liked the picture? #Creeps 😒

13. If you’re a married dude on Instagram, everything you say or do will be used against you in a court of public (& private) opinion. Do yourself a favor and only follow news and meme accounts.

14. Actually, married dudes, you should just leave social media entirely. Why do you need to be on social media when you have a wife?

15. When she posts a picture with 20% or less of a dude's body in it, that's a Soft Launch. She wants people to know something is happening with someone, but not how serious it is because maybe it isn’t serious at all, and they’re just having fun. It's also a “please stay out of my DMs” to all the dudes she's been swerving (swerving = ignoring ← for my older crowd that might not have all the lingo down).

16. When she posts a picture that's a close-up of his hand, and it's on her lap or at the dinner table, that's a Medium Launch. They are definitely fucking and spending a lot of time together and possibly developing feelings. They just haven't made it Facebook-relationship-status official yet. They haven’t had The Talk™

17. If she posts a full-body picture of a dude and has not declared that he is her boyfriend and writes something about how much she cares for that person, they are 5000% NOT fucking. When I say full-body picture, I mean his face in the frame where you can clearly tell who the person is. Because if she posts a semi-blurry, far away picture of the dude and tags them but says nothing else about them. Yeah, they’re fucking.

18. I think that last rule might’ve been two rules, so one of them should’ve gone here.

19. If she has thousands of followers and averages hundreds (or thousands) of likes, the dude she is fucking is not in the comments section. The people there are just friends or dudes trying really hard that have no chance.

20. That last one goes both ways. If they aren't fully out-out declared and in a relationship, the girls making fun comments with lots of text in his pictures are not the ones he's fucking.

21. Fellas, if you are in the comments section of a sexy picture talking about how sexy she looks, and you're trying to find a way to hit that, you are definitely never going to hit that.

22. Unless you're a rapper or an NBA player or an actor or a promoter or a bartender or a restaurant manager or unemployed or have a boat or a dude with a car.

23. Or if you have courtside tickets to the Heat game.

24. 300s section? You are NOT fucking 🤷

BONUS RULE: Fellas, if she posts a story hanging courtside opening night (or even worse walking through the players parking lot). Ball up top.

Now that you're up-to-date on all the rules, you're probably asking yourself, “David, but what if I don't have season tickets to the Heat because I don't have money like that? What am I supposed to do? Just never log in to Instagram?”

I'm glad you asked. My best advice is that you should probably never use Instagram. There’s nothing for your broke ass there except heartbreak and despair. But if you decide to go against my advice, here are three best-practice strategies for being active on Instagram.

The Like Every Single Thing Strategy

As some would say…

You could give zero fucks and just like everything that comes across your screen. If you like every single picture, you can't be called out for focusing on one account over others. And you can't be called out for discriminating on memes or important news topics because you liked all of them. No one has any idea where you stand. It's fucking confusing seeing your name pop up on the pro-vax memes and the anti-vax memes. You're keeping them guessing. Keeping everyone on their toes.

Of course, this could backfire because you like so many pictures that people think you're a weirdo for liking so many pictures. I've also seen someone get banned from liking things because they liked too many pictures. I've only ever seen it once, but it definitely happened.

Approach this strategy with caution.

The Like Nothing At All Strategy

Another bold move. This strategy protects you because no one has any idea what you're thinking, what you like, or what you don't like. You're so neutral—you almost don't exist. But it can also be weird because what the fuck are you doing watching stories and being active all day if you're not liking pictures at least? Fucking creep.

This strategy should also be approached with caution.

There's one strategy left, and it's my favorite.

The Do Whatever The Fuck You Want Strategy

If I were to give a personal recommendation, this would be the way to go. Do whatever the fuck you want. Like whatever picture you want, and follow any account you want. Don't worry about analyzing people's every move, and forget about them doing the same to you. People come on these apps every day and make ridiculously bold statements without thinking about them for more than 10 seconds. No one has any fucking clue what they're doing or how they're truly feeling most of the time. We're all just winging it out here. And we're getting too hyper-focused on something that has become such a daily occurrence (liking pictures) that we're creating problems where they don't exist.

If you're wondering why someone liked something.

Ask them!

If you have a partner, and you maybe have some doubts about their liking activities.

Talk to them about it!

It's perfectly fine to set boundaries with people after having a healthy dialogue. But make sure to have that healthy dialogue. It can be scary and complicated, and it may not always go smoothly at first. But that's life. We need to stop worrying about what other people are thinking or doing and spend more time working on ourselves. Because when you work on yourself and are honest with yourself and the people who are close to you—that's when everything falls into place.

Don't take advice from me, though. I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing. I'm making all this up as I go along and liking way too many pictures at the same time.

PS

Did I miss any rules? If so, leave a comment letting me know what else we need to remember when liking pictures on Instagram.

And to everyone who learned something from this today