2️⃣124: I'm Going to Fight Big Sean 🤺

He’s actually 5’8, but, whatever, I’m nearly 5’12—I have the height advantage.

He’s also 135lbs, and I’m at least 168lbs.

Are we really debating who’s going to win here?

I know exactly how I’m gonna do it.

I’ll be waiting for him on a sunny Sunday afternoon outside his favorite boba tea spot in West Hollywood. As he’s walking out with his family and savoring his disgusting boba, I’ll walk up to him, furiously slap the boba tea out of out his hand, grab him by the shoulders, stare him in his eyes, and say:

I’M SO UPSET WITH YOU, BIG SEAN!

I’M SO UPSET, I WANT TO FIGHT YOU!!!

Big Sean will be all like,

oh no! it’s david not david! you just knocked my favorite boba tea to the ground, what’s your problem? i thought you were a huge fan, why are you so upset?

why do you want to fight me?

I WANT TO FIGHT YOU BECAUSE I JUST LISTENED TO YOUR LAST ALBUM!

was the overwhelming positivity too much? i knew it wouldn’t be for everyone.

IT WASN’T THAT! I LOVE POSITIVITY! BUT YOURS IS CORNY!

what do you mean? what songs didn’t you like?

THE ENTIRE ALBUM WASN’T GOOD, BIG SEAN! HAVE YOU LISTENED TO YOURSELF? WHEN YOU THINK A LINE IS GOOD, DO YOU EVER COME BACK TO IT LATER JUST TO DOUBLE CHECK??

why would i do that, i know my shit’s good, david not david.

APPARENTLY NOT, BIG SEAN! EDITING IS THE REAL ART! YOU DON’T SOUND INSPIRING! YOU SOUND LIKE YOU WALKED IN TO A 4TH GRADE CLASSROOM, SAW A POSTER ON THE WALL THAT SAID, “You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take” AND DECIDED TO RAP THAT SAME EXACT SHIT!

but, you do miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, david not david.

THAT’S NOT THE POINT I’M TRYING TO MAKE, BIG SEAN! RAPPING IS ABOUT SAYING CLEVER THINGS! IT’S MORE THAN JUST YOUR FLOW, THE BEAT, AND THE VIBES! UNLESS YOU’RE PLAYBOI CARTI, BUT YOU’RE NOT!

i am Big Sean, a lyricist, david not david!

AFTER LISTENING TO YOUR MOST RECENT ALBUM, I DISAGREE, BIG SEAN! THAT BEING SAID, YOU HAVE A GREAT FLOW! I CAN’T HELP BUT BOB MY HEAD WHEN I HEAR YOU RAP!

i’m glad you enjoy my music that much, david not david.

NO! STOP, BIG SEAN! WHEN I SNAP OUT OF THE FLOW HYPNOSIS AND START PAYING ATTENTION TO THE LYRICS, I GET VERY UPSET!

SO UPSET I WANT TO FIGHT YOU! 🤬 

what do you mean, david not david?

IT’S ALWAYS A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE YOU DROP SOME WACK BAR LIKE—if you save a dollar a day for a year, that’s 365 dollars you made in a year, oh god!

that’s actually a pretty good bar, david not david…

IT’S NOT! IT’S TOO OBVIOUS! JUST LIKE — we back to the work like we back from a vacation — SERIOUSLY?!?! WE KNOW PEOPLE GO BACK TO WORK AFTER A VACATION, BIG SEAN! YOUR JOB IS TO SAY SHIT THAT SOUNDS CLEVER BUT ALSO RESONATES WITH EVERYONE! THAT WAS TOO LITERAL!

i thought that was pretty clever, david not david.

IT WASN’T, BIG SEAN! You know a clever way to say you’re back from vacation? — Me and 40 back to work, but we still smell like a vacation — Now, THAT’S clever! It’s got me wondering, where was Drake vacationing? What did it smell like? How good was it if he still had the aura of vacation on him when he walked in to the studio? Can I have the aura of vacation? What does that even mean??!?! THAT’S RAPPING, BIG SEAN! THAT’S VISUAL STORYTELLING!

Listen, Detroit is one of my favorite mixtapes ever. I’m angry at you, and I want to fight you BECAUSE I believe in you, Big Sean. You’ve always had these corny lyrics, but I figured, as time went on, and you perfected your craft, you’d get better and grow out of them.

i have gotten better, david not david. i always say some dope shit, david not david.

No, Big Sean, you don’t. Have you even listened to CERTIFIED!?!?!?!

that was a good one 😼 did you like the interlude with the girls? verified, certified, verified, certified. hehe 😝😌

SHUT UP, BIG SEAN! DON’T MAKE ME FIGHT YOU!

i don’t want to fight you, david not david!

Okay, then, what does “CERTIFIED” mean to you?

well, it means to be certified.

Don’t define the word using the same word.

like, you’re the man. everyone knows.

That’s better, at least. It can mean that you’ve completed a certain set of pre-determined requirements to verify that you have the abilities and competency to carry out a certain task, in this case rapping. It can also mean you’re highly respected and talented at whatever it is you do. Time and time again, you have proven how good you are, so your reputation has been solidified as someone who can deliver results in whatever it is they do, in this case rapping.

i know what certified means, david not david.

APPARENTLY NOT, BIG SEAN! Nothing you said on the song sounded certified to me! The idea behind the song? Excellent. Great idea. You did well. But you missed the wide open layup you had right in front of you.

what are you talking about, david not david?

I’m talking about Migos, Big Sean! THE MIGOS! All you had to do was sample their song ‘Fight Night’ and use the Takeoff line — Certified everywhere, ain’t gotta print my resume (Takeoff) — as the hook. Then you get Offset or Quavo on the song, fuck it, get ‘em both, make it a tribute to Takeoff. Not only is it a banger, it’s also a tribute to a man who was truly certified, Big Sean! — Certified everywhere ain’t gotta print my resume — That’s what certified means, Big Sean! Your reputation is so solid you don’t even have to show your credentials, people just know! My entire paragraph-long definition in seven words!

RIP TAKEOFF!

RIP Takeoff, david not david 🙏

RIP TAKEOFF, Big Sean, but nothing you said in your song tells me you’re certified. You didn’t even have braggadocios punchlines.

What were you even trying to accomplish? — Ten steps ahead if they try to stab me in the back, already cut ya off — Really? 😑

that’s a great line, david not david, i’m saying that I’m so far ahead tha—

I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY, BIG SEAN! YOU SAID IT. LITERALLY. YOU SPELLED IT OUT. THAT’S THE PROBLEM. IT’S NOT CLEVER. 

that’s not nice, david not david.

I know it’s not, Big Sean. But, I’m trying to make a point here. Listen, you have some great lines when employing fairly obvious observations. I love the bar on Blessings when you say,

my grandma just died, i’m the man of the house // so every morning i’m up cause i can’t let them down

That was good! The play on words between "up" (awake, motivated) and "down" (disappoint, fail) creates a memorable, impactful statement. It’s a simple idea, but presented so cleverly it works 🤌

I love that line—it motivates me in the mornings when I’m tired. You have it in you to be inspirational, Big Sean.

thank you, david not david, i think if you just give the album another listen—

I’m not done, Big Sean. That is one of my favorite lines ever, and those simple straightforward lines can be special, but for every good line like that there are 500 wack ones you gotta get through to find the diamond in the rough. The problem is: You also include those 500 wack ones on your albums.

again, that’s not very nice, david not david.

I’m sorry, Big Sean. YOU JUST MAKE ME SO UPSET SOMETIMES! But I don’t want to end this conversation with you feeling like I was just mean to you. You have great lines, too. I always think of,

white girls politickin’ and that’s that Sarah Palin // i give her that D, cause that’s where i was born and raised in 🗣️

THAT’S A BANGER, BIG SEAN!!!

i guess when your stars align // you do like the solar system and plan it out

ANOTHER ONE!

thank you, david not david

It’s just david, Big Sean.

david.

No, david.

david?

Perfect.

In the Tobey song with Babytron and Eminem, when Babytron says — My city Leia and I'm Obi-Wan, got a mission to pass, I just might be the hope — and then on your verse you refer back to Babytron and say — If he Obi-Wan, then I gotta be Yoda — THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKING ‘BOUT BIG SEAN!

thank you, david not david.

Then you follow up with — don’t need no promoter, we pull up, they know us — THAT’S CERTIFIED, BIG SEAN! MORE CERTIFIED THAN ANYTHING YOU SAID ON THE SONG CERTIFIED. YOU HAVE IT IN YOU!!!

i love this, david not david. do another one 🤗

I love — if having a bad bitch was a crime, I’d be arrested — HELL YEAH!

that wasn’t me, david not david, that was 2 Chainz 😑

what about — ketchup to my campaign, coupe the color of mayonnaise — daaamn, they must’ve called the fire marshalls to the studio after that one!

hold up, david not da—

and then —

Grade A, A1
Chain the color of Akon
Black diamonds, backpack rhymin'
Co-signed by Louis Vuitton (Yep)
Horsepower, horsepower
All this Polo on, I got horsepower

HORSEPOWER, BIG SEAN!!!!!!! HORSEPOWERRR!!! 🫨

again, all those lines were 2 Chainz, david not david…

You make a good point, Big Sean. Maybe you should listen to more 2 Chainz. Actually, you’re pretty good when you’re on a song with him. Just do all your songs with him. You’re also good when you’re on a song with Drake. You’re great at features. Maybe never do another song again where you’re the only rapper.

is that all, david not david?

Almost, but not quite. Before I go, here are a few things you should do to address this problem you can’t seem to shake.

i don’t have a pro-

Firstly, read a fucking book. Read a bunch of books. But read books that were written before 1999. Stay off Twitter. Don’t read what people say to you on Instagram. Don’t go on Instagram. Don’t watch ESPN. Here are the books you’re going to start with, Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers, The Wretched of the Earth by Frantz Fanon, and Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain. Start there.

After you’re finished with all of those, read the Encyclopedia.

the encyclopedia?

The Encyclopedia.

which encyclopedia, david not david?

All of them.

by which publishing house, david not david?

The Encyclopedia Britannica, printed in 1911, Big Sean.

is that it?

No, you also need to watch some movies, but only movies made before 1999. Watch Goodfellas, Casino, but actually watch them, don’t be looking at your phone the entire time. Just watch all Martin Scorsese movies, except Wolf of Wall Street, I know you’ve probably watched it 37 times.

i love that movie, david not david.

I can tell. Watch Blues Brothers and My Cousin Vinny, and after you get done with all of those movies, come back to me for more suggestions. Also, watch The Wire. We need to do something about this, Big Sean. Because if I hear another line like — try to walk off on me, bitch, I’m runnin off — I’m going to hit my car’s accelerator, close my eyes, and let whatever happens, happen.

i don’t need to stand here and take this, david not david. is that all you have to say to me? i’d like to get another boba tea and enjoy it with my family in peace.

That’s it, Big Sean. One more thing before I go—I need to apologize to Jhené Aiko.

jhené aiko: Please do.

I’m not sorry this had to happen, but I am sorry I had to do it in front of you and the child born from the union between you and Big Sean. I’m sorry, child of Big Sean and jhené aiko.

jhené aiko: Thank you, David not David.

You know, I would never do something wrong in front of the kids or interrupt someone’s family time for selfish reasons, jhené aiko.

I know you wouldn’t, david not david ✨

hold up, do you two know each other? 🤨

Thank you for always understanding, jhené aiko.

You know you never need to thank me, david not david.

Always a pleasure, jhené aiko.

The pleasure’s all mine, david not david.

hell nah, what the fuck is happening, how do you know each other? why are you talking to my wife like that, david not david?

now it looks like i’m going to have to fight you!!

Big Sean, calm down, you’re like 5’3 lol

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