2️⃣095: Surviving The Group Chat 💬

Zoomers and Younger Millennials might not know this, but Al Gore invented the internet. Thinking about it a little more, Zoomers and Younger Millennials might not even know who Al Gore is!

Let me put it this way: Before we thought Leo DiCaprio was the *cough* *cough* “ultimate environmentalist” we had a Democratic presidential candidate who actually did care about the environment! (Unlike the president today, you can’t fool us, Joe 😒)

And maybe if a bunch of Republicans in khakis and polos didn’t have a vanilla riot in Downtown Miami just blocks away from where I’m typing this the 🇺🇸 would’ve had a leader who actually did shit to help the people and the world instead of a useless tool. But I guess we’ll never know!

All that is beside the point. I just wanted an opportunity to take a shot at politicians and remind y’all that shit happens in Miami besides 18-hour ketamine-fueled benders at Club Space and strip clubs and yacht parties.

We have a (sort of) government here too!

But where did the whole “Al Gore invented the internet” thing come from?

Because I care so much about you, dear reader, I did the research and summed it up with this one screenshot of two paragraphs from an article I know you’ll never read.

That’s it. That’s the whole story 📡

Little did the world know that around that time a bonafide superstar from Houston, TX had recently come of voting age and would one day take over the internet we only know about because of Al Gore.

Today, it’s no longer a White Man’s internet.

It’s now Beyoncé’s Internet 🐝🐝📡🐝🐝

But what exactly does that mean?

Like most memes and online jokes, I think people don’t understand them because they think too much about them. It’s like that Winnie The Pooh meme about showing your parents memes.

Who is this person?

What are they referring to?

What movie is this?

What are they saying?

Why is it funny?

I’mma tell you a dirty little secret that has helped me navigate the digital caverns semi-successfully: stop trying to fully understand every joke. Just take it for what it is, enjoy it, and keep it moving. One day I was scrolling through Twitter and read, “It’s Beyoncé’s internet” and that was that. I didn’t even think about questioning it. The Queen. Bey. The One. Arguably in the Top 5 of all global non-athlete celebrities:

1. Bad Bunny

2. Beyoncé

3. Drake

4. Taylor Swift

5. Some K-pop person

If someone said it was her internet who was I to say it wasn’t?

Moving on, we clarified that Al Gore invented the internet and Beyoncé was kind enough to upgrade it for the 21st century. That’s settled 👩🏿‍⚖️

But if this power couple is responsible for the world wide web, who should we give credit to for the ugly step-sibling? You know what I’m talking about—group chats.

If the internet allowed us to communicate with people from all over the world, share information, and erase political borders, what would the group chat do?

It brought the DRAMA 🍵🐸

Most people will say they hate drama, but everyone secretly loves it. That’s why you watch reality television and follow news aggregate accounts. Because you love to learn about people who aren’t you doing dumb shit. Nothing better than knowing someone else was caught doing something stupid and you weren’t. I’m doing eight dumbass things at home right now and you don’t know anything about them!!

If this group chat we speak of is so messy, I have to give credit for owning it to the dirtiest, stankiest, most conniving, fugliest slut I know.

The messiest bitch alive right now:

If you don’t know who this guy is, a quick internet search will inform you of his…activities and proclivities (proclivities not meant to take a dig at his sexual orientation, I’m just trying to say this man is a shitshow).

I don’t have time to go down everything George Santos is currently accused of or being sued for, but here’s a great (meme but not meme) that encapsulates who he is:

Now that we’ve cleared up the entire history of information and communication technologies, let’s get into how to navigate these treacherous waters.

In the words of the greatest Twitter thread to have ever been posted (my apologies to Queen Zola):

The first thing to know to be successful at any group chat is that you’re not the only person there! I know sometimes it can feel like the world has to hear your thoughts and reactions to every single thing that’s shared. But I’ll let you in on a little secret…MOST OF US DON’T CARE AND YOUR OPINION ISN’T THAT UNIQUE 🤭

If you’re in a group chat with five or fewer people, then responding to everything is okay. There are only a few of us here and we decided to participate in this conversation because it’s intimate and we enjoy talking to each other.

If you’re in a group chat of eight or more people chances are someone else has the same exact opinion as you. If they already shared it, don’t repeat the same shit! A simple ‼️ or 👍🏽 reaction to the original message is enough to let everyone know where you stand.

(What are the rules for group chats of 6 or 7 people? I don’t know, ask someone else. I’m here to share the rules I made up and I don’t have a rule for that amount of people. Good luck.)

If we’ve ever texted you’re probably aware I’m someone who likes to send a lot of messages in a row. I know it can be annoying. But sometimes,

I feel like

it really drives my point

to let you know about something

when I break up the sentences

and also it feels natural

because the thoughts and what I want to say are coming out like this and I’m excited to share them with you as they pop into my head

I’m not doing it to be annoying

I’m doing it out of excitement!!!

It’s perfectly normal to text like that, but be aware of your audience. Some people may be cool with it. Some people may be annoyed with it. You can make that decision for yourself based on your relationship with each individual you’re texting.

But if you’re in a chat with five or more people that means every single one of those people is going to get 10 notifications when you send 10 back2back messages. In a group chat of 10 people (not counting yourself), that means 9 people × 7 messages = 63 notifications being sent to cellphones around the world because of you!!!

Maybe you have the time to look at them and get the notifications and it doesn’t bother you. But other people are busy and a bunch of notifications can be really annoying. Yes, there’s Do Not Disturb and Focus and muting the chat and yada yada yada. Just assume people haven’t done any of those things and try not to send too many messages as a common courtesy.

Also, you risk losing your audience. Some people might straight up ignore everything you sent because they don’t care to read through all that.

As someone who writes too much, let me tell you, you never want to get hit with one of these:

You sent a joke that you thought was great and it was only like three messages but nobody laughed or said anything? That doesn’t mean they missed it and they want more jokes. It probably means it didn’t hit. This is not the time to send five more texts with another related joke hoping to make up for the one you just bombed. Remember, it’s always okay to just shut the f*ck up.

SIDE NOTE: This goes for men trying to slide in DM’s. Fellas, if she didn’t respond to any of the first 15 messages, that 16th response to her story ain’t gonna be the one that magically makes her fall in love. Protect yourself from being shared as a screenshot on her group chat (or even worse) her public story. Just give it up. We all take L’s in life.

When we participate in a group chat we enter a silently agreed upon contract that anything we share within this private space will stay within this private space. You don’t want to break someone’s trust by sharing something from the group chat with a third party. If they wanted that third party to know about it, they would’ve told them directly or posted it publicly.

Now, if someone said some fucked up shit you can’t let go, maybe text them on the side directly, or, better yet, call them out! Too many people let terrible shit slide because they fear what others in the chat might say. If someone is being racist, homophobic, xenophobic, anti-semitic, dangerously ignorant, or doing something really out of line it’s okay to be like: Yo, that’s fucked up. You realize that’s fucked up, right? 

It might not change their thinking, but at least you let them and everyone else in the chat know where you stand. Sometimes that’s all we can do.

And if you really need to, leave the chat 🚪

This rule directly contradicts the one above, but that’s the way life goes. You have to assume that even the chats with the closest groups of friends are not safe from someone sharing things discussed with others outside of the chat. You might think loyalties lie with everyone there and all others are on the same page as you, but that could lead you to suffer unforeseen consequences.

Maybe you shared something about someone else and someone in the chat feels more loyalty to that other person than you and they want to let them know. That could be a slippery slope to fighting and drama. Also, if you’re sharing something that’s really fucked up about someone else that shouldn’t be shared, why are you doing that? Some things are cool and you can write them off when you’re teenagers, but you need to tighten up a bit as you get older.

This is especially true for group chats where everyone isn’t that close with each other. Maybe you’re in a chat with people from work and thinking that because one person has laughed at your edgy jokes the other people will too. Don’t assume that. You could really fuck things up for yourself.

Speaking of group chats where you don’t know everyone…

With so many group chats nowadays you’re bound to be in one where you don’t know everybody.

I have a fantasy football chat that includes friends from home, friends from college, friends from Miami, friends from work, and friends of friends I’ve never met. No one in that chat knows 100% of the people in the chat. So when you say anything make sure it can be universally understood.

I’m not making Puerto Rican references in the chat I referred to above because we have people who have never been to Puerto Rico and don’t know anything about it. If you really want to get off the joke, find a different chat that knows what you’re referring to, or start a brand new one with just the people you want to share the joke with.

Speaking of side chats…

This might be hard to swallow, but not everyone enjoys everything you say. Sometimes people want to have a discussion without you there. If you’re wondering why that is you can refer to the first few pieces of advice about group chats 🙃

Don’t take it personally (even though it’s pretty personal). I’m sure there are plenty of side convos about me like “There goes Dave again on his rants and long-ass messages. Did you read that shit? Cuz I didn’t 😂”

This is a big decision, but it could be the best decision you ever make. If the notifications are weighing you down and the dialogue negatively impacts you, GET THE FUCK OUT!

It doesn’t need to be dramatic.

It doesn’t mean you don’t like the people there.

It just means you realized it would be better for yourself to step away from that space for a bit. No hard feelings. And if anyone has hard feelings, they can text you directly. You won’t ruin a true, strong relationship by removing yourself from a place that isn’t benefitting you. People who love you will understand and always be there for you.

Maybe one day down the line you realize you’re in a place where you can be back in the chat. Or maybe someone adds you back randomly and you’re like okay cool it’s time to return.

What’s going to happen is going to happen. My only advice is to make the decision yourself that most benefits you. Sometimes it’s hard, but it’s always worth it.

Those were only a few rules and pieces of advice, but I think they’re a solid start to get you on your way to making the most of your group chats.

Is there something I’m missing?

Is there a rule you’d like to discuss or change?

Are you in a secret chat that was created without me on purpose?

If you have answers to any of these questions please respond so we can share them with the class!

See you next week 2️⃣✌🏽💝