2️⃣028: to whom it may concern 💌

wassup dude,

i hope this letter finds you...if you want to be found. i oscillate between always wanting to be seen and recognized (those are 2 different things) and wanting to be left completely alone. it feels like things are moving so fast all the time, but we never get a chance to slow down and take it all in. i think we yearn for the past because we believe things were simpler. but the past is always going to be simpler. no matter when you look at it. yesterday is only 24 hours or less behind us, and it was simpler than today. because today we have new problems and new realities and new shit we have to deal with. on top of all the shit we were already dealing with yesterday. maybe looking back is our greatest enemy. but the people who look back are ourselves, so you could say we're our own greatest enemy in the way we choose to perceive things. and even if we look further back when things weren't as good or simple for everybody, we still long for the moments where we assume people didn't deal with the shit that's eating at us today. i think those things are things we believe we're supposed to do. there are so many e-books and videos that talk about "success" and "ways to make it" and find new "hustles" that it's overwhelming to even think about. my brain never has a moment to just sit back and relax. there's always something calling to it, and even when i am relaxing i don't want to relax because the relaxing brings up the memories and things i don't want to think of even though i've worked through those things and have come to accept what once was hurting. it doesn't mean those things are gone. they're always there. we just learn how to be ok with them. but every once in a while that shit pops back up. and it feels like my mind is running every day as fast as it can because those things are chasing me and the only way to get away is to run faster. or if we slow down everything enough, then those things aren't moving, but neither am i. time stands still and it doesn't hurt anymore but you can’t pause the game forever. at some point, you have to keep playing.

it's so exhausting.

i think that's why no one writes letters anymore 

what's left to say?

we're already putting our thoughts out there 24/7. you know exactly what happens in someone's day seconds after it happens. the letters we look at from the past are historical figures telling their estranged families,

"I went for a walk to the town today and passed some cows along the way. They had the most peculiar black spots. One looked nearly identical to the birthmark Aunt Liza had we used to say resembled a sad dog. How is dear Aunt Liza? Send her my regards. I might go into town again next week. If I do, I'll start my walk early so I can stop and draw the cows for you to see what they look like. I look forward to hearing from you again."

what the person writing the letter doesn't know is aunt liza died from cholera three weeks ago, and the person they're writing to might not even get to read it since a flood wiped out the post office and every other important building in town except for the saloon.

why does it feel like the Saloon always survives?

if that's what people were writing about before, what kind of secrets do they need to be keeping or deep thoughts do they need to be having to write letters today? i want to tell you everything is going to work out because i hope it does. and i believe it will because there's no other option. i'm not gonna go around thinking shit ain't gonna work out. there's a difference between having no expectations and being a pessimist. i'm not going to be a pessimist. even when it feels like you've tried so hard to get to where you are and just when you're doing it they act like they forgot. they act like they got amnesia like i didn't **** ** **** *** **** that put ** ** *** ***. or that i wasn't the one who ******* *** ** ***** ***** ** ***** *******. maybe not the first but they know who they got it from. but it doesn't really matter, does it? because it's going to go the way it's going to go and you need to make sure you don't get left behind. and i be actin' like there's this master plan and it's all going accordingly, but i have no fucking clue what i'm doing. and anyone who says they do doesn't because if you really knew what you were doing you would know you can never truly know what you're doing so as long as you're alive and there's more to learn (because there always is) you never know wtf you're doing.

and i think no one writes letters anymore because we say so much that we're scared of what's left to say. we say a lot to not say what we really want to say because we don't know how to say it or how it will be received. we don't even know if it's the right thing to say at the end of the day, so maybe it's just better if we didn't say anything at all?

if this letter does find you, wherever you may be, i hope it's because you wanted it to. i hope you find a way to say that thing you're probably too scared to say because at the end of it all that might've been the most important thing you could've ever done for yourself.

i know it’s scary

i’m scared too.

sincerely yours 🖤,

d